Last week my mom was having a very bad week, hell I was in the same place the week before. Sometimes it becomes too difficult to deal with not having Zach around and you just have to let it out. The pain of losing a son is tough to fathom. She wrote me a heart-wrenching but real take on what is going through her mind when she is missing Zach. I'm sure it was hard for her to get down how she was feeling, but I know after talking with her that it felt good to get out there.

I thought it was very insightful and she gave me permission to share it below.

“If I had one more day with Zach this is what I would want him to see. A movie where the spirit ghost takes him to all the places showing him all the love that is there for him and what has happened to all his family and friends. Zach loved movies. He could recite them. I would ask him how do you remember that. He would laugh at me as if it was easy and I should know why.

I want people, suffering like Zach was, to read my blogs and hear my pain through my words and realize they are not alone. This is what I have to live every single day of my life.

I wake up and start my day like everyone else. Then it hits me, like a huge bolder that rolls down a hill and smashes into my heart. I know it’s coming and there is nothing I can do. It just is. Sometimes I can dodge it with thoughts of happy times or just mundane chores, making lunch, taking recycles out, feeding the cats, one which was Zach’s baby, Snoochie Boochie. My heart aches when I look at her I see Zach’s pain of leaving behind one of his joys, his cat Snoochie. I wonder how bad it must have been for him to take his life and leave her like that. Leave all of us like this.

Today is a bad day, the bolder hit me. It was hard this time. I started to cry uncontrollably. No one around to hear or see me. I’m glad. It hurts them to see me suffering. They feel helpless. As I do too. My husband, daughter and grandson are still sleeping. It’s the most alone I ever feel. I’m not sure what to do. How do I get my shit together for work. I yell in a sobbing voice, Why Zach, why? As if he will reach down and touch me. I wish with all my heart I had one more hug, one more day... One more anything from Zach. I’m so terribly sad today, I hope tomorrow will be better. Zach you never gave us an opportunity for a tomorrow. I’m angry, sad, confused, helpless, frustrated. I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I need help. I need others to reach out and tell me how they are feeling. ”

— Leigh Pingrin

Because it is so important to share your thoughts and feelings we created a Facebook Group called Much Love Nation - Suicide Prevention and Awareness Group.

It is a closed group which means anything you share can only be seen by people who have joined the group. This creates a safe space to share thoughts like what my mom shared above. This is one of our many initiatives to help people, especially those who've had a someone they care about commit suicide or those who are suffering from depression.

Leave a comment below on what you're feeling this week.

As always, Much Love.

A day in the life of a mom who's lost a son