Three of the hardest things I've ever done in my life was accepting my oldest son, Zach, committed suicide, having to call Zach's brothers and sisters to tell them and writing this blog for our Much Love campaign to help people like our family deal with depression and suicide. When I think about reliving what happened I get a sick feeling all over. I can't think, swallow or take a breath, thinking, if I don't move I'll wake up and this was all just a nightmare. But it's real. The Day after Valentine's Day, the day I'll never forget, I got a call from Steve, Zach's dad, I couldn't understand a word he was saying. The voice on the phone was not the normal voice of Steve. It was a high pitched sound that sent a chill through me. I knew something was wrong but my son taking his own life, never....

I was in Taco Bell getting lunch with my husband, Randy. We were waiting for our food when I got the call. I knew there was something wrong cause I could not understand what he was saying through his crying, but I knew it was bad. I almost knocked down an old man standing at the door trying to get out where I could hear. And I think at that time, Teresa, Steve's wife before me, got on the phone and said, "Zach's dead" that rang in my ears loud and clear. And I think she said he hung himself. It is all pretty much a blur. My head was spinning, I was screaming I think or maybe it was in my head. I remember it was the longest drive and Randy was shaking, but trying to drive. We were in shock. My world went black. I had to call Zach's brothers and sisters. That's all I'm gonna say about that.

Someone told me in the beginning of this to try to find something beautiful in each day, whether it be the sun shining down or just a simple flower. But in my world it was dark and gloomy, I kept wanting to scream, "Do you know what's happened to me!" I've lost something more precious to me than my own life. I spent my life trying to protect and love him and he is gone! Forever, gone forever! Forever is forever. I never gave much thought to that word but when you lose a child, that "forever" goes deep, it's forever inside of me. As if I gave birth outside in and it is a million times more painful. I didn't know what to do. I started feeling like it was my fault. It had to be. It was my job to protect Zach and I didn't. Why did I miss this? Was it this day or that he was looking right at me knowing what he was planning. Or did it just come on like a bad headache and the pain was unbearable. Did he think of me or think of his dad or any of his family? Or was this out of his control. I have no answers. That, within itself is the curse we all have to bear. Would have, could have, should have. That runs repeatedly through my mind.

He came to me in a dream a few months ago and told me he was okay. Zach was smiling and laughing. God he loved to laugh. I kept saying to him, you are dead and he would say in a teasing, tone, "no I'm not" and laugh like everyone that knows him can remember that laugh. This dream seemed to last all night. In my dream I felt so relieved that he was truly okay. And again I reminded him that he was dead and I was asking him if he has had anything to eat, I know it seems silly, but in my mind he had been dead and hadn't had anything to eat or drink. Zach reassured me he was really okay and was not dead, he pointed to the Much Love sticker on my mirror...and I woke up.

The next day I was telling my husband, Randy, about my dream. And it hit me like a ton of bricks! I said to Randy, "We have to make a Much Love website." He replied, "Much Love Nation!" I started texting Chaz, Zach's brother in Oregon, asking if he knew how we could make this website. It just so happens he was able to build one and donate it to the cause. Hence, Zach's Much Love signature was born with some help from his dad, too. I'm going to spend the rest of my life reaching out, trying to help people with this foundation. I feel I owe it to Zach, since I missed the signs with my own son.

-Much Love, Ma

Impact of Suicide: Leigh Pingrin