Mother's Day

Zach and I dancing for the last time. I cherish this dance.

Here it is once again Mother’s Day looming in my head. What do I have to do to deal with this feeling of emptiness and anxiety. I know it’s for the loss of my oldest son. But I have two more boys and two step-daughters. Still I feel the dark cloud following me around. I don’t like it. It weighs a ton. I wish there wasn’t a Mother's Day at all. My children treat me well all year long why the pressure for one day-

I lost my mom when I was 47 years old. I thought that was the worst pain I’d ever feel. I loved her more than I can describe. We were friends, good friends. I didn’t always agree with some of her views. But she was from a different time and I respected that. Some of her happiest times was playing with my boys. She was a great Mimi. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call her.

Which leads me too, she knew before I did when Zach died. She died from an illness. He died from suicide. I am sure they are having a conversation about that. Or does all that go away when you die. The pain, memories, good and bad times. These things I ponder around in my mind.

I never in a million years at 59 years old thought I would be without my mom and my first born son. There was still so much to do together. There was still too many words to say. My mom slipped away faster than hospice had said. Zach went way too young at 30 years old. I wish I had that time back to say how much they meant to me before they were gone.

That being said. Take the time with your mom, not just one day a year, but every day. Spend time with your son or daughter. Listen to them when they call. No judgement, just plain listen. Unconditional love is free. It takes just a little time out of your day. Well worth it in the end. Forget all the stuff in your mind that may keep you away. Forget and forgive. If you are in that situation. Agree to disagree and move on with love unconditionally.

This Mother’s Day I want to say how proud I am of each and every one of my children. I love each one of you unconditionally forever and always. Thank you for the gift of being in my life.  My only wish is that we all lived closer.

Much Love -

My handsome boys, sporting same shirt with different styles. Having some brotherly love fun! Photo compliments of Chaz’s wife, Elizabeth.

Grateful to have Randy’s beautiful girls in my life.