Impact of Suicide: Holiday Thankfulness

All I want for Christmas is for Zach to be here. Our family lost my son, Zach, to suicide this past February, February 15th to be exact, nine months ago. I treasure the hook necklace seen in this picture of Zach. I wear it always. For that was what was left on his lifeless body.  I keep thinking the loss will get easier but with the holidays coming, I'm not so sure. Which leads me back to my original thought. Do more suicides happen during the holidays?

Statistics say no, that more suicides happen between April and June. Yes, that's right, when the world is rejuvenating, waking up, blooming after the winter, fresh air, warmer temperatures with the excitement of being able to be outside and take in the sunshine. Doesn't make sense to me. But neither does suicide. I believe if most people were to be honest with themselves they have thought of committing suicide at least once during the lowest moment in their lives. My heart aches thinking of how much pain Zach must have been in to hang himself. I wish he would have reached out to me. Those are the demons I must bare. It's a nightly terror for me that I now need medication for. Night terrors are horrific dreams you have over and over until your brain says, you're not going to sleep anymore, cause if you do you'll have those night terrors. 

I keep telling myself I can be strong and think of all the happy memories. There are many memories, as Thanksgiving through Christmas and even New Years were all Zach's favorite holidays. My husband and I swore a few years back that we weren't getting Zach anymore toys. That is what he asked for every year. He was the biggest 30 year old kid. We all loved that about him. He used to send me pictures of different toys he would want with big smiles holding them up next to his face. As if that smile would do the trick and I would buy him that for Christmas. He loved the excitement of giving. He would spend weeks just to find the perfect gift or card for the people he loved. He could find the best cards, that you would keep and not toss out. 

If I'm honest, I spent many years before his death dreading the holidays. I work retail, I used to say, and that was my excuse. I thought of the holidays as work, shopping beyond means, never knowing if it was enough for each kid, cooking and cleaning. Taking care of people's needs. I was selfish, I just wanted it to be over and done. Well it is...I got my wake up call for a real reason to dislike the holidays. Missing Zach this Christmas will be difficult. My other two sons, one is deployed in the Air Force and the other may as well be, he lives in Portland and has lost so much time dealing with the affect of his brother's suicide. I won't get to see him either. I'm hoping the girls will bring the grandkids together. Something about kids and holidays makes all right with the world. 

This Boba Fett mask was one of the last toys we got Zach. You can see his reflection in the mirror as he takes my picture. He had such a laugh about that. 

Losing my oldest son, Zach, has forced me to change positions at work. Has taught me to look at my life in a whole different light. Has changed my life forever. I look at life through different lenses. Especially with people. I'm tring and be kinder. I don't know their path as they don't know mine. It has taught me I have such a huge support group I didn't know I had till I lost Zach. My work family has been such a blessing. They know when I need a hug, need to vent, kick something, or just need to cry. Life goes on.  I am thankful for the friends I have. I am thankful for the support and people from work that have allowed me to grieve in my own way. And you know who you are! It has been difficult, for many who don't know what to say, they just listen. I am thankful for that.  

Today is Thanksgiving  and as I sit here typing this I am thankful for the family I have. The husband that continues to be my hero and hold me through this. I am thankful my youngest son, Eli is safe so far away. I am thankful for Chaz guiding us through this journey as hard as it has been with our "much love" campaign. I am thankful for Zach's sisters, Alyson and Caitlin, as they have been my rock. 

On this day try to find something to be thankful for.....

Much Love -