Impact of Suicide: Chaz Moore

7 months ago I received the worst news of my life. The kind of life changing news you hope you never have to receive.

I had been out to see a movie with some coworkers and we had just finished breakfast. I looked down and noticed several phone calls from my brother Jason. There is no other reason for someone to call multiple times unless its really bad. So I picked up my phone to call him back. At that very moment my mom started calling me. A heart-breaking call.

As soon as I heard my mom's quivering voice I knew what had happened. My brother Zach had taken his own life that very morning. He believed there was no other way out and that no choice was available to him. I hung up the phone and walked back to my truck to drive home hoping to find a flight eastward. I think I sat in my truck for at least 20 minutes, shaking and crying, unsure if I believed what had happened.

Death is always hard no matter who it is because we end up dwelling on the many ways they have impacted our life. I used to be really confused about why people were so torn up about changes in life and having difficulty accepting them. Why would change be hard? You just move past what was and thinking about what is. Easy right?

Change isn't about accepting it per se, but it comes down to how you interact with it and let it affect you. From what I can remember, this is the first time I've experienced something so devastating I have no control over how it affects me. It's like wading in the ocean and being hit by an unexpected wave. You're thrown under the water and tumbling around trying to catch your breath. When you finally reach the surface you start to realize what just occurred. Then its time to gather yourself and go back to wading in the ocean again. The important part isn't struggling through the wave when it hits you. It's about getting back to wading in the water and enjoying the calmness of it all.

At the time, I didn't think much of it, but the first week I was going through the motions, heading back to Florida to be with my family, my friend Katie Mack texted me. We texted back and forth quite a bit, but what struck me the most is when she said, "Death is like a fresh stain on a carpet. At first it is so apparent and hard to ignore. Over time though it begins to fade. There will be days that you never even notice it, but then other days where you can't help but stare at it. That's okay, because it will always be around." This helped me get through some of the more difficult days. You have to let yourself have bad days so you can have good ones.

Now I'm at a point where I understand that it does get easier with time. It never goes away, I still get upset when I see movies with two brothers or suicide is mentioned. Overall, this has been the biggest reminder that we never truly grasp the impact we have on the people around us. I'm dedicated now more than ever to ensure that is a positive impact. 

I will end with this: don't invalidate how anyone feels. No matter how ridiculous or overzealous it may seem to you. The emotions we each feel are real for us and we seek out help in many ways. If you can be the shoulder for that person to cry on or just an ear to listen please offer it. You never know the internal struggle someone is going through. Small gestures will go a long way.