My life after my oldest son’s suicide, the mom, where I am now.
Okay, I know it’s been awhile. I think I’ve been scared, somewhat hiding from coming out of this darkness and publicly talking about Zach’s suicide. It’s much easier to sweep emotional pain away. Stuff it way down. Every single day is a struggle. I do the best I can or do I? How could I be prepared to deal with this type of loss? There are no answers. I just put one foot in front of the other. It will be 4 years February 15th that forever changed my life. We would have shared our birthdays, as we always did. Mine January 28th, his January 30th. He would have turned 34. I will turn 59 without him.
This year it is time to reach out! Going public! Every time I hear of another suicide. My first thought is how can I help the ones left behind to deal with the aftermath. The whole reason for this website. Is to reach out and share in hopes to save lives and help however I can. Either by sharing my story or by spreading Zach’s “Much Love” signature. In hopes people will ask what it is. This will open up the conversation. Nobody likes to talk about suicide, depression, or mental illness. It’s way past time.
I think a lot about the times we shared together and wonder what I missed. And why the hell didn’t he reach out to someone. I constantly go over this in my mind. From the day I gave birth and held Zach for the first time, just wrapped in a blanket, eyes squinting up at me. Until his last day, he was gone from my arms forever. Just bathed, hair still wet, peacefully lying there draped in white, about to be cremated in the outfit Zach and I picked out together for his wedding day. These moments forever etched in my heart and soul. An internal tattoo.
For me, the best therapy has been getting our boxer, McKenzie. Named after Zach. She has been the best support dog. She brought life back into our home. It’s absolutely the best unconditional love needed. She knows when I am sad and she hugs me. She goes everywhere with us.
We must talk about suicide, we must also be aware of the emotional state of friends and family. Look for the signs of depression, mood changes, changes in their social behavior. Reach out, really listen. That means stop what you are doing and listen. You might just save a life!
I need to hear from the world that I’m not alone on this journey, let’s talk about the horrific loss to suicide. I’m tired of stuffing the pain down. Let’s talk…
Much Love -
McKenzie hugs are the best!