Time....

One of my close friend’s son, 10 year old Dylan, made this for me, he has so much love to give!

Time seems to stand still after losing someone to suicide. This is my purpose to share awareness. Here I go…

This will be the 4th year of losing my son, Zach to suicide. It was the day after Valentines day, a beautiful, sunny day. I was working that Sunday and I believe there was a reason my husband decided to take me to lunch that day. We had just walked in the door to order when my phone rang. That call stopped my heart, stopped my life, stopped time. I barely remember that day. I was in shock. I do remember the screaming that was coming out of me or was I screaming inside of my head.  This could not be real. Zach’s time was up, he was gone forever and he made that choice by hanging himself.

This moment of clarity will stay with me forever. This doesn’t just go away. This pain will remain.  I will wrestle with this emotional loss for the rest of my time. Whether I let it destroy me, destroy my life, my world. Is my choice. Some days and nights are endless moments of grief. Plain and simple. This is my epiphany of time.

Zach was a pack rat so every little thing he had I wanted to hold onto. I felt each thing he had meant something to him; so it should mean something to me. It represented a piece of his time. I look at these things, mostly collectables of some sort of toy from his childhood, I realize they are just that! THINGS…

Not true. He held onto those things for reasons I’ll never know. The time has come for me to let them go.  To let someone else have the joy of these things. I have held onto these things for comfort I don’t know why or how. I don’t look at them. I avoid that area of our shop at all cost. I have to be brave. The time is now to let them go. After all it is just stuff. Stuff that is keeping me from moving forward in the grieving process.

It is time for change. It’s time to sell his collectibles. The proceeds will go to the Much Love Foundation. Time to look in the plastic bin representing the end of his life. Death certificate, a bag full of I don’t know what from the funeral home, letters, cards, from family and friends all hidden deep in a closet. A closet that is hard to get to. I purposely put them there. I have moved them from closet to closet. No place seems to be the perfect place for them. I don’t like that emotional pain. I don’t want to cry anymore. I feel the time has come, I have to open pandora’s closet. And stop moving these things around. Stop hiding from them. They will haunt me forever. It’s time.

Not today. This is the day I will take his things to a collectables shop. It’s a shop I used to take the kids to for fun. It has everything you can imagine.  For those of you that remember Sears. Think of the toy catalog we received every Holiday to look at and dream and wish for. That is the feeling I used to get when I took the kids to this shop. These are the happy times I need to focus on.

I successfully took all of his collectables and donated the proceeds to the foundation. There was an intervention of some sort. The first place we used to go to only was interested in 4 items. I asked him if there was any other places to take the rest. The shop owner said he never sends anyone to his competition but… he told me of a place not far down the street that would definitely be interested. I had a close friend with me and off we went.

The man at this shop came out and as he was culling through my backseat, I started telling him about the foundation that it was in memory of my oldest son that took his life and the money would go to the that. The man froze and came right out and said his son hung himself 3 months ago. At that moment, I saw in his eyes what I have felt for so long. I knew his pain. I have walked in his shoes. He began to ask me how old my son was and how he did it. I replied the same way and his age. His son was 49 with children and grandchildren. He then said I just don’t know why and asked me if I knew why. There is no answer for this question. All I could do is hug him and tell him I knew how he felt. I asked him to visit the muchlovefoundation.org website and asked if i could give him a Much Love sticker and explained it was Zach’s original signature. I asked him what his favorite color was as I pulled out the pile of stickers, he said blue. Blue was on the very top. I truly believe I had an angel guiding me. I hope in some way it helped him.

Zach loved his collection of toys.

They have a good home now.

This year I am flying out west to be with my two sons. I planned this trip way before the holidays. It’s time to be with the living. Enjoy this time I will have with them. Despite all that has happened. This has taught me to take time to enjoy the people I love. In the big picture, all we have is time on this earth. Make the best with your time left.

Much Love -
Leigh

P.S. I appreciate any feedback. Please share our page and remember the good memories. Take time to see the beauty in every single day. My husband gave me these beautiful sunflowers (my favorite) after my recent hip surgery. So much love.